Things not to say to Mommy in her third trimester....

The four year old: Wow, Mom!  Your underwear is really, really big.

~

The husband: Are you sure you can drive?  Can you fit behind the steering wheel?

~

The ten year old, watching me get ready to go out, as I'm putting on my heels: Wow!  Do your feet still fit in those?

~

The seven year old: Mom, when you have the baby, does your stomach ever go back to being small?  I can't remember.

 

Call Me....Maybe

OK, so this song has been parodied and remade a gazillion times already.  But, here are my favorites.  So silly.  Have a laugh.  Then call me, maybe if you want to.

One for all my baby-wearing friends:

One that the kids love, and I confess, I think is brilliant (way better than the original, in fact):



For political junkies.  (This has more substance than most of Obama's speeches. *snark*)

Long Live The Queen

Israel said, "Remember when the Queen jumped out of the helicopter at the Olympics?"

Meg replied, "She didn't really.  You really think that an old lady would jump out of a helicopter???  And with her handbag?  Seriously?"

Israel, redirecting the conversation said, "I wonder what she keeps in that handbag."

"Trail Mix" I interjected.

Reason Number 43,782 We Home School

I ran into Party City the other day to pick up stuff for our home school co-op art show.  I needed a couple things for Passover (candles and such), so, thinking to save myself some time, I thought, "Ooo, maybe they have that stuff here."

They had a huge Easter section, but I didn't see Passover.  I know they have Passover things on their website, though.  So, I asked a guy who worked there.  The conversation went like this:

Me: Do you have a section for Passover?


Store Guy: Um....like you mean....Clearance?


Me: No....like the major holiday that's next week?


*crickets*

(For the record, the store does not carry Passover stuff.  Bummer.)

Old Music

My personal trainer (who I have not yet seen professionally since having River) is also my boys' Kung Fu Sifu.  When one of his exercise classes is going he plays classic Christian Contemporary Music.  I'm talkin' Petra from back in the day.  Also, some old Newsboys--like Shine.

Hearing one of their songs the other day,  it kind of got stuck in my head.  So I was in my kitchen jammin' to "Spirit Thing."  That led to the following exchange:

Me (singing): "It's just a Spirit thing, it's just a holy nudge, it's like a circuit judge in the brain..."

Israel: Mom, that song plays at Kung Fu.

Me: I know.

Israel: Well, how do you know that song?

Me: Israel, this song is old.  I listened to it when I was in high school.

Israel: So, we're listening to old music?  Like from the nineteen hundreds?

Me: Um.......yeah.

Story Time

I was snuggling with Saraa on the couch this afternoon.  "Tell me a story," I said.

She replied, "Once upon a time, there was a bear.  Who ate a human.  The end."

I said, "That's scary!  I don't want a scary story about a bear!"

Without missing a beat she said, "OK.  Once upon a time there was a tiger.  Who did not eat a human."

Happy New Year!

Someone please buy this print for me.  My birthday is coming up.

Image from here.

So, I started my little New Year's Celebration a bit early tonight by pouring some bubbly over some natural French Vanilla ice cream.  Yes.  Yes, I did.

It was ghetto.

And it was fabulous.

I was all over that like trailer trash on velveeta.

Don't judge.

Speaking of New Year's, have you made any resolutions?  I haven't decided on just one yet.  Yell less, dream more.  Take more walks.  Read more books.  Watch less television.  So many ways I can think of to improve my life.  Many though, I have not so much control over.  Like have more money.  Oh, and sleep.  I want more sleep.  Is there a magical place where money and sleep are dispensed?  Because I'll spend all my air miles to get there.

Not that I have ever been that big on New Year's Resolutions.  I've never been on a diet and don't need to give up smoking.  Maybe I should consult the government for help.  Did you know that the USA.gov will help you to accomplish the most popular resolutions?  Our government never ceases to be helpful.

Well, maybe this is a good place to start:

Image from here.

Well, I'm nearly three months post-partum and that's still too early (yes, I said it's TOO EARLY) to think about getting in pre-baby form.  So, pass the bacon.  Don't argue with the post-partum woman.  There is a very delicate balance of hormones in play.

Maybe instead of making obvious resolutions that no one keeps anyway, I should make a list of obvious things that I promise NOT to do this year:

1. I will not get a tattoo.  Not even a temporary one.

2. I will not eat at McDonald's.  (How anyone with taste buds or a sense of smell can eat there is beyond me.)

3. I will not eat at Carl's Junior.  I am a woman after all; I have standards.

4. I will not wear a bikini.  I have seven children; that ship has sailed.

5. I will not pierce any part of my body that I haven't already. (In case you're wondering I've only pierced my ears.)

6. I will not likely sleep past 8am.  If I do, I will thank my husband with a big sloppy kiss, because obviously, he whisked the baby out of the room early.

Whatever you decide to do or not do this coming year, I hope it's 100x better than 2011.  Because if your 2011 was tough you deserve a break.  If your 2011 was awesome, I hope everything only gets better and better!

Here's my New Year wish for you, my dear blog readers:

On New Year's Eve may you drink champagne with your true love while your children who insist on staying up behave beautifully.  May you share the ringing in of the New Year with treasured friends who share your affinity for things wrapped in bacon.  At the very least may your husband start the New Year by bringing you breakfast in bed--eggs, bacon, coffee--but not before like 10:30am.

For Theology Geeks on Reformation Day

Four pint beer glasses with the Fathers of the Reformation.  Jonathon Edwards, Martin Luther, Charles Spurgeon and John Calvin.  Nothing like throwin' one back with Luther--who owned a brewery, by the way.

Can be ordered here.

Here's another gem from the same company:

"He who drinks much beer sleeps well.  He who sleeps does not sin and he who does no sin goes to heaven."  Martin Luther

If beer's not your thing, can I interest you in a John Calvin tie, complete with the title page of the 1536 edition of Calvin's Institutes of the Christian Religion?   

Sys-TIE-matic Theology
Get it here

And for the Reformed kid in all of us:

Yes, that's right.  Silly Bandz in the shape of Luther's face.  Get it here.

And for your bilingual infant theology geek:

From where else, but Cafe Press.

Happy Reformation Day!  Y'all have fun!  And if you are a theology geek and you give your friends a Luther Silly Band I hope you don't get beat up on the playground.

Now that something you don't see everyday...

I was watching Wheel of Fortune with Captain and Belgee.  In the final round Belgee exclaims:

"Mom!  Look at that!!!  Three humongous people and one tiny woman!"

Totally like whatever, you know?

This video is the perfect sequel to THIS POST.



It's OK to have an opinion and to own it.  It's OK for other people to have opinions and to own them.  And it's OK to believe that your opinion is the right one.

I wish I had written the above monologue.

I almost blogged today about how much I love toast.

The Machine That Goes PING!

My last post for Empowered Birth Week: The Machine That Goes PING!

My two favorite lines:

1. When the mother asks, "What do I do?"  The doctor replies, "Nothing.  You're not qual-i-fied!"

2. When the father walks in and the doctor asks who is he and then says, "I'm sorry.  Only people involved are allowed in here."

Makes me laugh out loud every time!



Hope you had a wonderfully empowered week, complete with trippy dreams.  You have until midnight tonight to link up with any birth stories or photos and enter to win something cool.

Advertising Fail

I think the new product slogan should be:

When you only want the illusion of clean, there's Febreze.

Probably only suitable to guys in the college dorm before their mothers come to visit.  Seriously what were the ad people thinking with this?

Uncanny

This is the boys' army man toy:

 Look like anyone you've seen before?

Creepy..........

Pregnancy Mishap #542

About six years ago Gana and I took a cruise to Mexico.  Like many tourists we bought a hammock in Mexico.  It's a one person chair-type hammock, colored like the Mexican flag.  Not altogether beautiful, but reminds of us our wonderful vacation.  And I love hammocks.  Seriously, I wish I could hang a hammock in our living room--but Gana has forbidden it.

The vacation when the notorious hammock was purchased. 
File under: it seemed like a good idea at the time.

We carried the thing around with us, through two moves, never hanging it up.  We never had just the right location for it.  And now we do!  So, Gana hung it up on our back patio--off the living room and dining room.  It's perfect and perfectly delightful.

Gana was working late and the kids and I feasted on fish and chips.  Clean-up was easy and I got them tucked into bed at a decent time.  I did the dishes and swept up the dining room.  Feelin' good!  Hey, I have a little extra time before Gana gets home!  So, I took my new book out to the hammock, got all comfy and started reading.  I read until it got too dark.  And the mosquitoes started coming out.  And one bit my elbow.  And one bit my ankle.  And when one bit my booty--through my skirt!--I decided it was time for me to go inside.

Lean forward.

Nothing happened.

Heave big pregnant body.

Nothing happened. 

Try to get some substantial place for my foot.

Nope.  Just gave myself a nice swing and sat there swaying in the evening breeze.

Oh for crying out loud!  Throw down the book. Grab the sides of the hammock with both hands.  One, two, three, up you go.

Nada.  The baby kicked.

My big ol' pregnant bottom was STUCK.  I could not for the life of me heave or roll myself out of that crazy hammock chair.  There must be a special method.

I pondered that as I sat there exploring my options.  I could sit there until Gana got home.  Which would not have been an unpleasant option had I not been a mosquito feast.  I could just imagine the little buggers calling all their friends and relatives, "Jackpot!  There's a pregnant lady stuck in a swing.  Lots and lots of skin!"  I was a HomeTown Buffet for the family reunion!  I could keep trying.  But, it felt futile at that point.  I could call Gana, but that would have been a good hour or two before he could have wrapped us his work and made it home to me.  By that time the mosquitoes would have sucked all my blood.

There was nothing else to do, but call Meg.  Good thing I had left the door open with only the screen door closed.  I hoped she wasn't sleeping already.

"Meg!........Meg!!!!!!........GANCHIMEG!!!!!!!!!"

Finally a faint, "Coming....."

She found me.  "Meg, honey, I cannot get out of this chair.  Help me."

Ever seen a 60 pound little girl try to pull a 160 pound pregnant lady out of a hammock.  Next time you are in a stressful situation think about that and give yourself a good laugh.

She couldn't do it.  "Mom, should we call Daddy?"  Yes, your father can fix anything.  But he's not here at the moment.

"No, honey.  We can do this!  One more try.  Here we go!!!!!"

And with great effort on both our parts I hurled myself out of the hammock chair.  Whew!  In the process I bent up the cover of my new book.  Bummer.

All that's left to do is laugh.....and count my mosquito bites.

It's Gettin' Real In The Whole Foods Parking Lot

Remember the fantastically unauthorized Trader Joes commercial?  I love people that can laugh at their pretentious selves.

Here's a video of my other favorite grocery store:




Stopping by Whole Foods later for some kelp and fish and maybe some quinoa.  Maybe I'll be the only one without a Prius--in my 1999 gas-guzzling Suburban.  Havta get my gangsta on.

I'll have what he's having.

It rained today.  RAIN!  In MAY!  In LOS ANGELES!  What in the world?!

That led to this little conversation with the four year old.

Me: Belgee, did you order this cold weather?!

Belgee: No.

Me: Well, I didn't!  I ordered SUN!!!

Belgee: Well, I ordered MOON!!!

Me: I ordered a SUNNY DAY!

Belgee: Well, I ordered God, Jesus, The Holy Spirit, the angels......and the Israelites!!!!!!

Dear Bob and Larry

(You may only find the following hysterical if you have watched a lot of VeggieTales and know how every episode starts with Bob and Larry on the kitchen countertop.)

With perfect inflections, Captain told me today:

Hi!  I'm Bob the Tomato and I'm Larry the Cucumber and we're here to answer your questions.  Today we have a letter from Lucy Anderson who writes:

Dear Bob and Larry, I don't like watching TV.  Can you help me?

Well, Lucy, just watch this show.....

[screaming in horror] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Mr. President

In the car this evening the children were composing letters to the president....out loud.

Meg:

Dear Obama,

You are not my Daddy.  Stop telling everyone what to do.  And tell your wife to not let you eat so many hamburgers. 

Meg

PS You know they're GMO, right?

Israel:

Dear Obama,

Please stop telling everyone what to drive.  And stop messing with gas prices.  By the time I'm grown up I'll only be able to afford to drive a mouse-sized car.

And tell your wife to stop telling everyone what to eat.

Israel

Think I should let them mail these?

What To Name The Baby

I just took a Baby Name Creator Quiz on a parenting site.  I answered questions about my favorite movies, favorite way to spend a Friday night, etc. and it gave me a personality analysis and picked baby names for us.  Here are my results. 

What do you think?

You’re the free spirit among your friends, voted most likely to do your own thing. You’d prefer a baby name that’s as unique and creative as you are, so you’ve trashed the top-10 lists and are looking more to art, literature, film, and foreign languages for inspiration.

Think about these suggestions:

Boy names: Pablo, Jules, Dashiell, Sebastian, Pollack, Xander, Ansel, Beck
Girl names: Mercy, Cadence, Harlow, Frida, Aquinnah, Lolly, Ciara, Mabel

Pablo Gombojav, he's one of the Backyardagins, I think.  Xander, I'm sure every child would relish having a name that started with an X.  Ansel.  As in Adams?

Or if we have a girl......Mercy.  I like it.  When I get exasperated with the kids and I say, "Oh, mercy!" I could actually be calling her at the same time!  Time-saver perhaps.  Frida.  There's no way that could get made fun of.  In fact, maybe I do like it.  I could sing, "I am Frida laugh.  I am Frida dance.  I am Frida live for you....."  (Maybe only mildly funny to those who sing "I Am Free" at their church.) 

Lolly.  That just cracks me up.  Lolly (Pop) Gombojav.

I think I'll stick with normal sensible names.....like Ganchimeg and Ihbeleg.

(Take the test and tell me your results.  Maybe I'll like your baby names better than mine.)

Christmas. It's not over yet.

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