To the lady at the Trader Joe's:

It went down like this:

The kids and I pushed our shopping cart into the check-out line. Remembering the recent city ordinance that shopping bags will no longer be available, I said out loud, "Oh no! We forgot our bags." A lady in the check-out line next to me says, "That's because you have too many kids." And that is when I started yelling at a stranger in the grocery store. That is when my kids saw their mother go bat-crap crazy. "Excuse me?!?!? What did you say? TOO MANY KIDS! How dare you! What kind of thing is that to say in front of a child! Every child is a blessing...." And so on and so on and so on. I turned to the kids and told each of them how much I loved them--out loud. But, I wasn't finished. I turned back to that poor lady and finished with, "Oh, so I suppose you've never forgotten ANYTHING seeing as how you don't have TOO MANY kids!"

Turning back to the checker I saw clearly that I had his sympathies. I then realized that we had forgotten one thing that Meg was holding and he had already totaled our order. He said, "Don't worry. That's on me." and gave it to me for free.

I left the store shaking. I'm still torn between terrible remorse at having lost my cool and being proud that I stood up for my children so passionately.

Dear Lady In Trader Joe's:

I am sorry.  Perhaps you did need correction, but I'm sure I could have done it more lovingly and without causing quite the scene I did.  What you said was the proverbial straw.  You see, I deal with negativity towards large families every time we go out.  Our city is not very child friendly and people can be downright mean.  I feel sure by the look of shock and embarrassment on your face that you didn't intend to be mean.  I probably ruined your day.  I hate to think I did because I prefer to have the opposite effect on people.  If we meet again, I hope I recognize you, so I can apologize face-to-face.

If I had it to do over again, I'd like to think that instead of letting all my frustrations with all the comments I've received in the past year spill out on you, I'd calmly look you in the eye and say, "That wasn't a very kind thing to say.  Every child is a blessing.  I forgot my bags because the ordinance is new.  It looks like you did, as well.  May I purchase a reusable bag today for you today?"

That would have been a better example to show my children and you and the checkers and the rest of the shoppers.

Sincerely,
The Lady With Exactly The Right Amount of Children

The Necessities Are Optional

This post is not to make anyone feel guilty if you use any of these things.  It's merely to call into question their necessity.  In our society we've say we "need" a lot of things.  In reality, most of the things we think we need are actually just wants based on clever marketing by companies who have a financial stake in making you feel helpless without this stuff or making you doubt your standard of living if you don't use this stuff.  If you want to use things, that's fine, as long as you can afford it.  But, let's be honest--they're luxuries.

As Dr. Sheldon Cooper would say, "We have to take in nourishment, to expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep our cells from dying.  Everything else in optional."

Here are a few random things we've labeled as optional:

We have seven kids and no paper towels.

Never purchased baby food.  Ever.

Baby wipes.
Old receiving blankets cut into wipe sizes and wet with regular water: works just fine.

I think I have one up in the cupboard somewhere.  Can't recall it ever being used.

Breast pump.

Gana has one for work.  I do not.

We have one that is in several pieces in the garage.  "Just in case."

I use them when we are camping sometimes.  Otherwise,  it's cloth.

Cable TV or Satellite.  We have never purchased TV reception.  

We take turns washing and drying the dishes by hand.

Haven't used the dryer in over 2 years.

TMI?

Stroller.  We have one, but don't consider it a necessity.

Good old fashioned handkerchief anyone?

We eat cold cereal sometimes for when we are camping.

Been making our own laundry soap for two years.  Have spent about $10.

We don't have health insurance.
Then again, we don't usually see doctors.

I think people would be surprised by how much little money we make, yet it is possible only because of how little money we spend.

I've been reading Radical Homemakers by Shannon Hayes and it's been rocking my world.  Here's what is inspiring these posts:

"A women's place in the workforce has become the norm in the last fifty years, the American household has changes to accommodate the shift.  Agriculture rapidly industrialized  and generated highly processed foods that supplanted most home cooking; skills were replaced with products, thrift with income, and time with convenience.  As the home became increasingly devoid of enterprise and creativity, few could blame women for fleeing the hearth.  However, during the same fifty years, our health, happiness and well-being have also dramatically declined.  The abandonment of the kitchen, the loss of personal finance skills despite rising household incomes, the relentless increase in busy-ness and the compulsion to replace emptiness and loneliness with consumer products have put us on course for an ecological, social and cultural train wreck....And above all, [Radical Homemakers] were fearless.  They did not let themselves be bullies by the conventional ideals regarding money, status, or material possessions.  These families did not see their homes as a refuge from the world.  Rather, each home was the center for social change, the starting point from which a better life would rippled out for everyone....

"More than simply soccer moms, Radical Homemakers are men and women who have chosen to make family, community, social justice and the health of the planet the governing principles of their lives.  They reject any form of labor or the expenditure of any resource that does not honor these tenets.  For about five thousand years, our culture has been hostage to a form of organization by domination that fails to honor our living systems, where "he who holds the gold makes the rules."  By contrast, Radical Homemakers use life skills and relationships as a replacement for gold, on the premise that he or she who doesn't need the gold can change the rules.  The greater our domestic skills, be they to plant a garden, grow tomatoes on an apartment balcony, mend a shirt, repair an appliance, provide for our own entertainment, cook and preserve a local harvest or care for our children and loved ones, the less dependent we are on the gold."

What things do you consider optional? 

Confession: Bum Glue

I'm not that good at sticking with something until I finish it.  I am easily distracted....

"Squirrel?!"

And once I leave something it's awfully difficult to get back to it.  I put the pro in procrastination.  I have baskets and boxes of projects started but never completed.  Want a half-finished crocheted scarf?  How about our Christmas card from two years ago?  It was so cute.  Too bad nobody ever saw it.  Our boys' room has four windows.  Two have curtains.

It's not a great trait, I admit.  It's not something I'm proud of.  And it drives me CRAZY when I see this trait in my children.  I tell them to apply some bum glue and to not get up until they are finished.  I should get some of that glue for myself.

As bad as I am at committing to projects, I do not have the same problem committing to people.  When I commit to someone as a friend or a sister or a church, I'm pretty much in it for the long haul.  I will not easily write you off, take back my heart, or find a new place to worship.  Even if you really tick me off.  Somehow I don't easily move on.

Because I'm like this, it really chaps my booty when other people aren't.  When people end friendships it puzzles me.  What happened to all the reasons you entered this relationship to begin with?  When husband and wife split up and say things like, "I just don't love him anymore" or "I love him, but we are healthier apart," it drives me crazy.  "No fault" divorce and "irreconcilable differences" are words that should be stricken from a Christian's vocabulary.  When people leave a church because the grass is greener somewhere else, it really saddens me.

You stick with people.  You just do.  As irritating and disappointing and irrational as people can be at times, I still believe that people are worth it.  Oh, sure, I've been hurt by people.  There are mean people out there that we are better off without.  But most people are worth it.  I don't know why, they just are.

Maybe it's because people are made in God's image.

Maybe it's because I'm just so needy that I must have people in my life.

Maybe I'm an optimist deep down.

I don't know.

But, I do know that relationships mature into something beautiful.  Whether that relationship is between husband and wife or friends or your church membership, it takes time for it to become something beautiful and priceless.  Like a fine wine.  If you pop the top on that bottle of grape juice too early, it's not going to be as lovely as it would be if you waited a little longer.

I know I'm idealistic to a fault sometimes.  It's not always a true reflection of real life.  But, for goodness' sakes, get yourself some bum glue and stick around a little longer.

As for me, I'm going to go find an unfinished project and finish it.

[Disclaimer: Yes, I do know sometimes relationships end.  Yes, I do know that sometimes God moves people from one church to another.  Yes, I do know that there is a place for divorce.  Sometimes it can't be helped.  I am in no way suggesting that anyone stick around in an abusive relationship and lose their self-respect.  I feel, however, that these are the exceptions and not the rule.]

File Under: Confessions

It's been a while since I confessed something.  So, here goes:  I offend people.  No, not like when you accidentally burp at dinner and must say, "Excuse me."  And not even in the sense that I go around telling people that orange is so not their color.  Rather, I offend people unintentionally.  All.  The. Time.

Really, I don't mean to.

One time I put as my Facebook Status something like, "I just love homeschooling."  And with that I started a startling debate.  It's not that I said, "I hate public schools."  I simply said that I loved homeschooling.  You'd think I'd spit in the face of every public school teacher within a 20 mile radius.

And this happens a lot.  But, really, REALLY, I'm not a confrontational person.  I do not often climb up on my soapbox in real life and I don't own a bullhorn (although secretly I think that would be awesome!).  I don't like offending people.  I'm really quite libertarian--live and let live, you know?  I don't get in people's business, unless they ask for my opinion or if I just can't help myself. 

Seriously, though, it bothers me that I offend people.  I hate hurting feelings.  I wish I were the kind of person who could say, "Well, we all believe differently and what you think is just as good as what I think."  But, I really cannot say that with any ounce of intellectual integrity.  If you and I think opposite things I can never make the concession that your opinion is as good or equally valid as mine.  If I could say that then I may as well abandon my opinion altogether.

From one of my BFF's in heaven, GK Chesterton:

"A man was meant to be doubtful about himself, but undoubting about the truth; this has been exactly reversed. Nowadays the part of a man that a man does assert is exactly the part he ought not to assert--himself. The part he doubts is exactly the part he ought not to doubt--the Divine Reason....The old humility was a spur that prevented a man from stopping; not a nail in his boot that prevented him from going on. For the old humility made a man doubtful about his efforts, which might make him work harder. But the new humility makes a man doubtful of his aims, which will make him stop working altogether.


"At any street corner we may meet a man who utters the frantic and blasphemous statement that he may be wrong. Every day one comes across somebody who says that of course his view may not be the right one. Of course his view must be the right one, or it is not his view. We are on the road to producing a race of men too mentally modest to believe in the multiplication table. We are in danger of seeing philosophers who doubt the law of gravity as being a mere fancy of their own. Scoffers of old time were too proud to be convinced; but these are too humble to be convinced. The meek do inherit the earth; but the modern sceptics are too meek even to claim their inheritance."
 
You tell 'em, Gil.  (In my imaginary world, he lets me call him Gil.  We're tight like that.)
 
It seems that the only way that I can avoid inadvertently offending people is if I add a caveat to every opinion and preference I have.  If I say, "Autumn is the best season," I have to add "for me.  If you prefer summer, I totally respect that."  Tedious way to express oneself, don't you think?  Of course, if you don't think that, then that's OK.  We can agree to disagree on this point. 
 
Leaving aside preferences about seasons, white wine vs. red wine, and the Los Angeles Lakers, my convictions I've come to very deliberately.  I didn't decide to become a missionary or a stay-at-home-mom on a whim.  Likewise with homebirth, homeschooling, co-sleeping, and babywearing.  I didn't decide to have a large family because there was nothing else to do one Saturday afternoon.  The way I live is very intentional for me.  And, I believe it is absolutely right.  If I did not believe so I wouldn't do it at all.  What's the point of taking the rough and tough road less traveled?  I'm sure it's not for the scenery.  Many of my family's choices put us on the fringe of popular society.  We are used to it, but that doesn't make it easy.
 
So, when I say, "I don't believe babies should sleep in cribs in rooms separate from their parents" it is not because I have no other causes to take up or because I have a vendetta against the makers of baby furniture or because I'm judging your worth and value as a parent on whether or not you use a crib.  The statement is what it is.  You can take it at face value or ask me why.  But, rest assured it is not personal--except to me, because it's my conviction. 
 
The thing is, I don't say things like that (very often).  But, when I show up somewhere with my big family and the baby in a sling and breastfeed on demand, someone who has 1.6 children whose baby is in the stroller with a bottle starts defending their lifestyle--even though I've never said a word! (And would never say anything.  That's their baby and their life.  I can't live it for them!)  In fact, I consider myself very tolerant.  My friends are very diverse--from a vast array of political camps, religious affiliation or lack thereof, and lifestyles.  I wouldn't dream of putting my friends in any box I could construct.  I find their diversity to be one of my favorite things about my favorite people!  And I would never ask one of my friends to be less of who they are.  If my sister a hypothetical friend loves Pitbull and thinks he is the sexiest thing on the planet, I would not ask her to stop being who she is, simply because I have no love for rap and couldn't pick him out of a line-up.  Go ahead and love him if you must.  I'll still love you.
 
I know someone is going to suggest or think that I should just be less "out there."  I should keep my religion or parenting philosophies or foodiness or health fanaticism or politics to myself.  The thing is, I don't want to live that way.  I want to be transparent.  I want you to see right into my soul and know that what you see is what you get.  I don't want to be the kind of person that represents one thing in public and something totally different at home.  I was recently greatly inspired by this blog post: Artificial or Real?  (I encourage you to read the whole article.  It's such a good read!)  Here is an excerpt that really spoke to me:
 
Sharing the good news of Jesus Christ with a co-worker, I was surprised when she made the strong comment that, “religion should be a very private thing.” In an accusing tone she said that my friend and I, who were partners in ministry at that time, were so different; we were always talking about our faith, beliefs and values in one way or another, making it a normal part of every day conversation. “I like to keep my religion to myself,” she continued. “That’s like keeping the shades drawn in my house so no one can see inside. I’m a very private person and no one needs to know what goes on in my house or my heart. That’s my business only. God sees me and that’s all,” she insisted. Then, in a disapproving tone, she persisted, “The two of you never have the shades drawn. You are both so transparent about your beliefs and values in Jesus and the Bible that everyone can see the light that’s inside, just shining out there for everyone to see!” and she spread her hands wide for drama!


Noting her defensiveness and her unwillingness to hear any more of what I had to share about the Lord, my comment to her was an incredulous, “My, then I’d better make sure my windows are always washed.” This seemed to disarm her and we both chuckled.

Stained-glass in Notre Dame in Paris.

So, if I have ever hurt your feelings because my shades were pulled back, I'm sorry.  And if my shades were pulled back and my (hypothetical) windows were dirty, I'm even sorrier!  (The actual windows of my house are quite dirty. So, don't look too closely.)

In conclusion, I have never seen an episode of House. However, I find the commercials hysterical. There's a great little scene: a woman says to Dr. House, "How is it you always think you're right?!" He replies, "I don't. I just find it difficult to operate on the opposite assumption."

The Pregnancy Rules

Is it just me or does pregnancy seem so.....complicated?  It cannot have been this difficult for all of time.  There are so many things you are supposed to remember and do and eat and not eat.  Makes my head swim.

Do take prenatal vitamins.  Don't eat soft cheese. For that matter don't eat fish more than twice a week and never eat sushi.

Do exercise.  But, don't bounce, sit in a hot tub, do leg lifts or lay on your back.  Not even while you are sleeping.  Also, don't do anything that requires balance such as riding a bike, walking a balance beam or for me, walk up stairs.  While we're at it, don't wear high heals for the same reason.

Do keep having relations with your husband.  But, don't do anything kinky.  Or during your last few weeks.  Or if you experience spotting.  And remember about the not lying on your back thing.

See your doctor regularly.  Like every couple weeks.  Take every test and give them whatever they ask for including your blood, urine, swabs and cultures of every kind, pictures of your baby, and hair samples if they ask.  Don't even think about refusing a Group B Strep test or a 24 hour glucose test.  And what?  You don't want an ultrasound?  But, it's protocol.

Don't take unnecessary medication while pregnant and certainly don't drink--not even a sip of wine--for goodness' sake!  But, be sure to get your vaccinations and flu shots.

Don't have any dental work done that requires Novocaine.  It's not safe for the baby.  But, if you're in labor narcotic drugs administered by your OB team are completely safe.

Get fresh air and get out in nature.  But, if you build a campfire, don't breath in the wood smoke.  Be very careful what you breath, in general.  If you have a cat, don't change the litter box.  Since we are talking about air quality, travel to high altitudes only with caution while pregnant or your baby may be born too small.  (Those poor ladies who actually live at high altitudes....)

Other things on the no-no list are traveling to developing countries (again, never mind those who actually live and work in developing countries), take homeopathics, get acupuncture, gain more than 35 pounds, drink unpasteurized juice or milk, eat raw honey, or deli meats or pate (unless they are steaming hot).  The same geniuses also claim it's completely safe to ingest artificial sweeteners.

(Obviously, I am not a doctor and I'm not recommending you go out and do risky things.  I believe in being healthy and eating right and avoiding drugs, and all that.  You can read my tongue-in-cheek approach to this, right?)

No matter how hard we try and no matter all of our good intentions, no pregnant women can possibly remember all the rules--especially since they seem to change all the time.  Some new discovery and all of sudden your favorite food or activity is off-limits.  Bummer.  Should have got pregnant last year; would have been considered safe.

I think each pregnant woman really should approach pregnancy--like she approaches all of life--with a healthy dose of common sense and a liberal amount of education.  I think an educated woman who knows the basics of health and wellness won't be caught saying things like, "My doctor said I didn't have to give up my diet soda and Twinkie habit."  At the same time she won't freak out, "I drank a glass of wine before I knew I was pregnant!  Oh no!"  And she won't buy into things like "say no to drugs--unless you are in labor, load me up!"

Sarcasm aside, we all have cheated on the pregnancy rules.  Who wants to confess?  I'll go first. 

I eat soft cheeses, quite frequently actually. 

I still eat seafood including sushi. 

I still eat chocolate, drink tea and occasionally a little bit of coffee (like half the cup filled with milk and the rest coffee).

I have never had an ultrasound, a Group B Strep Test, or blood glucose test.

Now it's your turn.  What was your indulgence?  What rules did you cheat?  'Fess up!  Feel free to remain anonymous in the comments.  You don't even have to sign your name--I'll make an exception to the comment rules for you this time.