Fear and Shame and the political divide

This is a post of political observations that will deal in generalities. So, please, spare me the anecdotes of cases where it doesn't hold true. Not hard fast rules, only observations about trends.

Both sides of the political divide, liberals and conservatives, claim moral superiority. And they go about trying to make converts by claiming that their side, and their side alone, takes the moral high road. The tools in this endeavor are fear and shame.

Example #1: Immigration.

Conservatives employ fear in order to control perceptions. If we are afraid of foreigners, we will reject them and protect ourselves. We'll be safer if we are more fearful. Such as this, now famous meme:

(I like this line from the movie The Tale of Despereaux, "Oh, Despereaux, this world is full of wonderful things to be afraid of, if only you realize how scary they are.")

Liberals employ shame to make people "do the right thing." The talking points create straw man arguments to make people feel badly for being heartless savages.  Religious people are at the top of that list. If you were truly a decent person you'd be more open, you jerk.

Example #2: Abortion.

Liberals employ fear. If pro-life legislation is passed, if a pro-life person is elected, if a pro-life judge takes the bench women will be victimized, there will be back-alley abortions and bleeding in the streets. Women will lose their autonomy and we'll all be relegated to being barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen again. 

On the flip side, Conservatives employ shame. Emotionally and morally charged language. Instead of women being victims and disenfranchised and scared and vulnerable, they are "mothers of a dead baby" and murders.

And the labels the groups are given are often, at least partially, misnomers. Pro-choicers are not pro-all-choices. Just check to see which democrats voted to take away the freedom of parents to choose whether or not their children are vaccinated. There's a serious war brewing in California as parental rights and choices are taken away by big brother. You can choose to have an abortion, but if that child is born alive you don't have a choice whether or not she gets the highly controversial Gardasil vaccine.

Pro-lifers are often not pro-all life (There are exceptions, such as socially active Roman Catholics.). Just look up which Republicans still support the death penalty. (see the UCSSB's pro-life prayer) Or the NIMB attitude as it applies to taking in refugees. (NIMB = not in my backyard) Sometimes pro-lifers are pro-birth or pro-some-life. It's a painful truth that we need to 'fess up to.

And you can see examples of this everywhere if you just take a moment to look at your Facebook or Twitter feed. Just today I logged in to see several of my friends post the same FB post that stated if you didn't join the "Women's March" you probably have never been the victim of a sexual crime, are not an ethnic minority, an immigrant or lack health insurance. Because if you have experienced any of these things, you'd support the march. Well, guess what? I have been a victim of sexual crime, I am an ethnic minority, my husband is an immigrant and I have actually never had health insurance in my life. I did not support the March. But, that's what I mean about claiming moral superiority. It's a false narrative. All the decent people on one side of the line and all the degenerate on the other.

I have found this past year that everyone wants to think that they take the high road and are open to people that are different than they are. Everyone wants to think they are comfortable with diversity.  It's always the other side of the aisle that is full of intolerant bigots. Until they encounter someone truly different, someone who doesn't support their pet causes, who does not see things the same way at all. Then the struggle gets real. I am no exception.

I have seen so many people this year unfriend and block people on social media or lash out at their neighbors that it breaks my heart. The media, the culture, the 24 hour news cycle perpetuates this fear and shame so that we feel quite justified in saying, "I'm done with you" as we paint with broad brushes and repost unnuanced memes and opinions. We feel vindicated to make "power of the people" to mean power against certain people.

But, what if....

What if we stopped using fear and shame as our primary motivators and the cornerstones of our arguments? What if when we encountered someone who is truly different we didn't shut them out, but we extended our hand instead? What if we could say, "You know, I don't see things that way, but I respect that you do. Would you like to discuss this sometime?" Make cookies. It always helps the awkwardness. 

The truth is that if we try to banish fear and shame there will be a vacuum. We have to replace it with something. 

I would suggest love and humility.

It's not easy. For anyone. And it's certainly not easy for me. I claim no moral superiority in this. To look into someone's eyes who not only is different but may be, in fact, antagonistic towards you and your way of life or deeply held beliefs, and to say, "I see in you someone made in the image of God and I choose to treat you according to that truth." Pour tea.  It helps the humble pie to go down easier.

I am not suggesting that you necessarily change your beliefs. I can tell you for certainty that you will not take my Christian faith from me. I am not just a Christian in name. It's part of my very DNA, I assure you. I am head over heels in love with Jesus. I can't turn it off. I broke off the switch long ago. But, I will share a meal with you and listen to you, even if you are Buddhist, Muslim, Atheist, or just plain not sure. My faith tells me that you are made in God's image and likeness, whether or not you acknowledge Him.

Humility goes a long way. St. John Chrysostom said, "Humility is the root, mother, nurse foundation and bond of all virtue." The book of 1 Peter in the Bible commands us to love each other deeply. Because love covers a multitude of sins.

Does walking in love mean that we never stand up for controversial causes or speak tough things? Of course not. Love must be tough as well as tender. But true love should give us the courage to carefully negotiate and live in the tension of truth and love. It's messy. It's painful at times. It's tricky. It's also beautiful. Speak the truth...in love.

As people of good will, can we move the cultural conversation from Us vs. Them to We Are All In This Together? Can we love through the differences and listen and speak up and be brave and be vulnerable and be true?

Fear and shame are motivators, but make a terrible foundation. Love and humility are really the only way.

The Gift Of An Experience

I am really blessed.  And I know it.  My husband and I, as much as we irritate one another, really do "get" one another.  As much as we joke with each other about being incompatible, in so many ways we blissfully match.

For example, his love language is the giving of gifts.  And he's pretty good at it.  But, mine isn't.  Gifts that I appreciate most are not actually tangible things, but experiences.  I love surprises.  And I love experiences that are lovely and enriching and that I can think about for years to come.  A great memory is like an eternal gift to me.  I love gifts that I don't so much hold in my hands, but rather hold in my heart.

This past week my husband gave me the gift of a little adventure--an experience.  A childhood dream come true.  I think my soul will be relishing it for a long time.

A while back I happened to mention in passing that as a child I'd always wanted to walk across the Golden Gate bridge.  Somehow, even though I'd driven across it many times, I'd never walked across it.  As a child it just seemed so cool.  It's a silly childhood fantasy.

I never gave it another thought after that conversation.  I thought, "Oh well.  Someday." And then promptly put it out of my mind.  Fast forward to this past week.

I was up on the Central Coast with my kids who were taking the standardized state tests with our private school.  We stayed with Papa and Nana; Gana stayed home to work.  I was due to drive home on Friday morning.  On Thursday night, quite late, Gana inexplicably showed up at my parents' house!  I just sort of stared at him, in disbelief.  I think I said something beautiful like, "Why are you here????"

He said he was there to fulfill a dream for me.  We were headed to San Francisco!  What?!

I then continued to say lovely things like, "But, I didn't pack for San Francisco!"  No worries.  He had brought a couple of my cutest maternity dresses, my walking shoes, my heavy coat and even remembered some scarves to cover my hair in the wind!  He had made arrangements for my parents to watch the children, so we could have a romantic getaway before the baby arrives this summer!!  Everyone seemed to be in on the scheme, except me!  No one had let me in on the secret at all!

It gets better.

He rented a car--a red convertible!!!!  He planned for us to drive up Highway 1 with the top down!  He booked an incredible bed-and-breakfast at a historic site on the Sausalito side of the Golden Gate.  And we were going to walk across the Golden Gate!

So we left early on Friday morning.  Set off up the coast, taking in the ocean breezes.  We stopped for breakfast in Cayucos and then at one of favorite places--the New Camaldoli Hermitage in Big Sur. We listened to the monks chant and arrived at just the right time for part of Mass.  Mostly we took in the views and breathed it all in. (One day--when I don't have a nursing baby--I will go there on a silent retreat.)

Big window on the balcony of the chapel, overlooking the Pacific

Then we stopped in Monterey--where we had spent part of our honeymoon.  We walked on Fisherman's Warf and ate some fish-n-chips.

We got to the Golden Gate in the evening.  We checked into our room--which was just the most lovely place you can imagine.  And I laced up my walking shoes.  Dream come true in just moments!

Ta-da!!!  I'm here!!!

In the background you can see the historic Coast Guard site where we stayed.

Saw all these people running on the bridge and didn't want to stand out or anything.

Mr. Sandman....bringing me good dreams come true since 1999.

BUMP AHEAD!

Supposedly, according to some over-achieving website, the walk is supposed to take 30 minutes round trip. Well, it took this pregnant lady and her photo-happy escort about 1.5 hours.  So, by the time we were done I was HUNGRY!  So, we ordered food to our room from the lodge's restaurant.  This is the perfect way to end a perfect day:

Eating on the king sized bed in front of the fire.

Roasted Bone Marrow.  I would eat it every day if I could.

The fire, the wine and the marrow!

The next day we played tourist.  We drove down Lombard Street.  In our red Mustang convertible and looking very Californian, we are now in more than one Japanese tourist's scrapbook.  Felt like we were a little bit celebrity.

Then we walked and played on Fisherman's Warf and ended our day with an awesome (although very chilly) cruise and tour of Alcatraz.

Antique arcade games are fantastic.

Test your strength!  Gana rang the bell!

WWII Submarine

Daja the Riveter

Solitary Confinement.  Eek.

At the end of the tour there is an art exhibit about restorative justice, featuring the stories of six murderers who have been rehabilitated and paroled.  Then people respond to the exhibit on post-it notes.

It was a truly amazing two days.  Really a dream come true.  What blessed me more than anything was knowing that Gana had listened to the little girl inside the woman who still wanted to have this experience.  He not only heard it, he crafted the perfect experience.  He demonstrated his love so creatively, so uniquely and so perfectly for me that occasionally, still, I'll burst out laughing, unable to believe it.

On the way home I plugged in the ipod and played Donna Fargo's The Happiest Girl In The Whole U.S.A. 

(Thank you to my parents, too, who watch the kids and helped arrange a great surprise!)

The best things in 2012

Oh, I know the best things in life are free.  And the best things are not really things.  But, rather than throw up pictures of all my favorite people, my baby's feet and my garden, here are some of my favorite THINGS in 2012.

1

Wendell Berry books in general, but especially Hannah Coulter

If I could quote this whole book, I would.  It's lovely and warm and feels like you are sitting down to tea with your favorite grandmother who tells you the most amazing stories of her life and through the stories guides your paths and heals your soul.  No seriously.  It's just like that.

“The world is so full and abundant it is like a pregnant woman carrying a child in one arm and leading another by the hand. Every puddle in the lane is ringed with sipping butterflied that fly up in flutter when you walk past in the late morning on your way to get the mail.” --Hannah Coulter

2

Shirt of Flame...a book to begin a journey with St. Therese of Lisieux

So, this protestant girl is taking a long walk with St. Therese and getting a vocation to love.  CAUTION: Walking with St. Therese is not for the faint of heart, it's challenging.  Downright challenging.  But, then again, so is walking with Jesus.  So, go ahead.  Take the plunge.

Would you like to offer yourself as a victim to the merciful love of God? --St. Therese of Lisieux

3

Here Begin by Andrea Marie

Now I don't download a huge amount of music.  I am notorious for rockin' out to something I liked in fifteen years ago.  But, hey, if it's good, it's good and I'll like it forever.  Thankfully(!!!), someone emailed me a recommendation for Andrea Marie, particularly, a song called Boys and Girls.  I'm not lying that I fell in love.  My kids now call this album, "Mom's soul honey."  Because when I'm having a bad day, this is the album to bring peace.  It's that good.  Go now to itunes and download it.  It's lyrical and musical loveliness.

(In related news....do not google "Andrea Marie" in images looking for this album graphic to lift.  Because apparently, there are other girls who have that name who do not make lyrical soul honey.)

4

Haven Gastropub in Pasadena

I don't recommend restaurants very often.  When we do go out, which isn't often (let's be frank, we have seven children.  We eat in.) I'm frequently disappointed.  But, there is one place I could eat every single day. It's Haven Gastropub in Pasadena.  I have three words for you: Roasted. Bone. Marrow.  It will change your life.  Their shepherd's pie is what I will order if I ever I have to request a last meal.

In fact, just thinking about their amazing menu, this pregnant lady is one step away from sending Gana out to get me a little something......

5

Above Rubies Magazine and Nancy Campbell Books

I've known about Above Rubies for years.  Just never got around to ordering it.  Then I went to the Reformation of Food and The Family Conference in San Antonio.  And I heard Nancy speak.  I was so moved that afterwards I went and introduced myself to her and told her she was my new BFF.  That might have crossed over from "fan" to "creepy stalker."  But, I just adore her.  I do.  She's got gumption.  She tells it exactly like she sees it.  But, it's so sugar coated in love and grace that even if she's just chastised you, you feel like asking for more!  She's so genuine.  Like she really will give you all the time in the world.  When you talk to her, you have her full attention and she's so eager to love you that you wish you lived close enough to invite yourself over for tea.

6

HappyThankYouMorePlease

This movie.

This movie!!!!

(Warning: It's not a Christian movie.  They do drop a few F-bombs.)

This movie changed my life.  And not in the delicious bone-marrow sense above.  But, in the practical application of gratitude.  In seeing bliss as my birthright.  In believing and knowing that I am worthy to be loved.  Seriously, if Graham Cooke and Ann Voskamp were screen-writers for Indie post-modern movies, they would have written this...together.  It's so good.  It's a movie I don't own, but want to own and I can probably count on one hand the number of movies I personally own. (I don't count movies my children own.)  I'd re-watch it on those days when the devil tries to trick me into thinking that I'm too messed up and that I don't deserve all the abundance of God's love.

If you appreciate really thoughtful movies that are totally uplifting but aren't total fluff, this is one you should see!



So, there ya have it!  A few of my favorite things....besides raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.  What are yours????  Did you make any great discoveries in 2012?

Words (not) To Live By

Maybe this is a little rant.  Maybe it's a commentary on how ridiculous and unthinking we have become as a people.  At any rate, here's the thing, everyday when I get on Facebook or Pinterest people have "clever" little signs posted.  You know, those inspirational words to live by.  They might look nice--have a cool font and/or graphic.  Perhaps it is the visual appeal that makes people think that the words are actually wise.  (Hmmmmm, that's something to think about.  How easily we are deceived into thinking someone is right or wise simply because they are articulate or interesting.)

So, let's get something straight: Popular is not synonymous with wise.  Interesting is not the same as smart.  Good feelings are no substitute for right living.

What bugs me the most is when Christian people--who seriously ought to know better--post these things.  Where do we get our ideas?  From the Bible or from pop culture???  If we internalize any of these very flawed ideas, it is no wonder we reap a bunch of drama and turmoil!

Here in no particular order are ridiculous things friends have posted to Facebook or Pinterest:

Things don't just work sort of magically.  What in the world gave us this idea?  Everything that works--being it your job or your marriage or your relationship with your children is because there is a lot of blood, sweat and tears invested in it!  The philosophy above can really cause us to take no personal responsibility for the failures of our relationships.  What a passive and unhelpful way to live your life!  

Let me give it to you straight: Jesus has already come to earth and gone back to heaven.  Any expectation you have from another person for perfection is completely misplaced.  Whoever you marry, you marry a sinner.  And so do they.  

We live in a very odd point in history as far as relationships go.  In the past women were content to find a husband who would be faithful and provide an income.  Feelings of over-the-moon-love weren't necessarily even a requirement.  Sometimes love grew from the seeds of choice and faithfulness.  Men were content to find a wife who could tend a home well and would be his partner in having children.  "Chemistry" wasn't necessarily a requirement.  People often chose to love the one they married rather than the other way around. 

These days we expect to be with someone who is beautiful and "hot" to whom we are sexually attracted.  This person must be well-employed, but their job must not infringe on any of our plans.  They must not have any emotional baggage that might require us to be patient, forgiving and move any mountains.  They must be there when we need them and meet all our needs, without being too needy themselves.  We must have the same interests and hobbies and the same political views.  To boot, they must also agree theologically with us on every point.  This person will never make us cry, never cause us to swear and never doubt their love for us or ours for them.  In addition, there must be "timing" meaning that they must come into our lives in such a way that it is perfect for us to be together and neither of us will have to sacrifice anything that would cost us a moment of discomfort.  This person will be Christlike but not require that we become Christlike in return.

Can we get a little wake-up call?  This person does not exist.  Marriage is the union of two good forgivers who agree to do life together--even when it hurts and you second guess your choice.  Marriage is where you dig your heels in and make a daily choice to love--even when the other is being unlovable.  Marriage is when you admit you are unlovable at times, but the covenant of marriage allows for personal growth and healing along the way.

What makes me happy is to sit in my pajamas all day, eating chocolate gelatto and reading novels.  What makes me happy is not the best.  What is best is for me to daily lay down my life for my family.  And that will, in the end, make me happy.

Start with happiness and the world will be very unhappy indeed. Start with what is right and the world will become a much happier place.

"Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think...."  Seriously?  Too many people take the advice on this post-it note.  In fact, I think it's become some people's political platform.

Rather, how about we get the mind of Christ and use that mind to think God-thoughts!  Let this mind be in you that is also in Christ Jesus!  (Philippians 2:5) 

Again with the passivity!!!  As if we have no control whatsoever over what we think and feel.  But that's not what the Bible says!  2 Corinthians 10:5 says, "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."  You have a choice everyday, every minute of every day, what you allow to take up space in your thoughts and spirit.  Evict anything that doesn't obey Christ.

This one might take the cake!  How about respecting others enough to know that the world does not revolve around you and your feelings of happiness!  Respect yourself enough to do what is right--even when it hurts! Psalm 15, commit it to memory:

Lord, who may dwell in your sacred tent? Who may live on your holy mountain? The one whose walk is blameless, who does what is righteous, who speaks the truth from their heart; whose tongue utters no slander, who does no wrong to a neighbor, and casts no slur on others; who despises a vile person but honors those who fear the Lord; who keeps an oath even when it hurts, and does not change their mind; who lends money to the poor without interest; who does not accept a bribe against the innocent. Whoever does these things will never be shaken.

Hebrews 12:4, "In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood."  Keep fighting.

This says that my commitment is contingent on your behavior.  Might be fine for a business arrangement, but this concept has no place in a Christian marriage.  We have to do what is right, regardless of whether those around us choose to.

OK, my last piece of advice is this: please!  For the sake of rational thought, stop posting things that are.....so.....unlovely.  

"Whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things."  Philippians 4:8

To the lady at the Trader Joe's:

It went down like this:

The kids and I pushed our shopping cart into the check-out line. Remembering the recent city ordinance that shopping bags will no longer be available, I said out loud, "Oh no! We forgot our bags." A lady in the check-out line next to me says, "That's because you have too many kids." And that is when I started yelling at a stranger in the grocery store. That is when my kids saw their mother go bat-crap crazy. "Excuse me?!?!? What did you say? TOO MANY KIDS! How dare you! What kind of thing is that to say in front of a child! Every child is a blessing...." And so on and so on and so on. I turned to the kids and told each of them how much I loved them--out loud. But, I wasn't finished. I turned back to that poor lady and finished with, "Oh, so I suppose you've never forgotten ANYTHING seeing as how you don't have TOO MANY kids!"

Turning back to the checker I saw clearly that I had his sympathies. I then realized that we had forgotten one thing that Meg was holding and he had already totaled our order. He said, "Don't worry. That's on me." and gave it to me for free.

I left the store shaking. I'm still torn between terrible remorse at having lost my cool and being proud that I stood up for my children so passionately.

Dear Lady In Trader Joe's:

I am sorry.  Perhaps you did need correction, but I'm sure I could have done it more lovingly and without causing quite the scene I did.  What you said was the proverbial straw.  You see, I deal with negativity towards large families every time we go out.  Our city is not very child friendly and people can be downright mean.  I feel sure by the look of shock and embarrassment on your face that you didn't intend to be mean.  I probably ruined your day.  I hate to think I did because I prefer to have the opposite effect on people.  If we meet again, I hope I recognize you, so I can apologize face-to-face.

If I had it to do over again, I'd like to think that instead of letting all my frustrations with all the comments I've received in the past year spill out on you, I'd calmly look you in the eye and say, "That wasn't a very kind thing to say.  Every child is a blessing.  I forgot my bags because the ordinance is new.  It looks like you did, as well.  May I purchase a reusable bag today for you today?"

That would have been a better example to show my children and you and the checkers and the rest of the shoppers.

Sincerely,
The Lady With Exactly The Right Amount of Children

The Necessities Are Optional

This post is not to make anyone feel guilty if you use any of these things.  It's merely to call into question their necessity.  In our society we've say we "need" a lot of things.  In reality, most of the things we think we need are actually just wants based on clever marketing by companies who have a financial stake in making you feel helpless without this stuff or making you doubt your standard of living if you don't use this stuff.  If you want to use things, that's fine, as long as you can afford it.  But, let's be honest--they're luxuries.

As Dr. Sheldon Cooper would say, "We have to take in nourishment, to expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep our cells from dying.  Everything else in optional."

Here are a few random things we've labeled as optional:

We have seven kids and no paper towels.

Never purchased baby food.  Ever.

Baby wipes.
Old receiving blankets cut into wipe sizes and wet with regular water: works just fine.

I think I have one up in the cupboard somewhere.  Can't recall it ever being used.

Breast pump.

Gana has one for work.  I do not.

We have one that is in several pieces in the garage.  "Just in case."

I use them when we are camping sometimes.  Otherwise,  it's cloth.

Cable TV or Satellite.  We have never purchased TV reception.  

We take turns washing and drying the dishes by hand.

Haven't used the dryer in over 2 years.

TMI?

Stroller.  We have one, but don't consider it a necessity.

Good old fashioned handkerchief anyone?

We eat cold cereal sometimes for when we are camping.

Been making our own laundry soap for two years.  Have spent about $10.

We don't have health insurance.
Then again, we don't usually see doctors.

I think people would be surprised by how much little money we make, yet it is possible only because of how little money we spend.

I've been reading Radical Homemakers by Shannon Hayes and it's been rocking my world.  Here's what is inspiring these posts:

"A women's place in the workforce has become the norm in the last fifty years, the American household has changes to accommodate the shift.  Agriculture rapidly industrialized  and generated highly processed foods that supplanted most home cooking; skills were replaced with products, thrift with income, and time with convenience.  As the home became increasingly devoid of enterprise and creativity, few could blame women for fleeing the hearth.  However, during the same fifty years, our health, happiness and well-being have also dramatically declined.  The abandonment of the kitchen, the loss of personal finance skills despite rising household incomes, the relentless increase in busy-ness and the compulsion to replace emptiness and loneliness with consumer products have put us on course for an ecological, social and cultural train wreck....And above all, [Radical Homemakers] were fearless.  They did not let themselves be bullies by the conventional ideals regarding money, status, or material possessions.  These families did not see their homes as a refuge from the world.  Rather, each home was the center for social change, the starting point from which a better life would rippled out for everyone....

"More than simply soccer moms, Radical Homemakers are men and women who have chosen to make family, community, social justice and the health of the planet the governing principles of their lives.  They reject any form of labor or the expenditure of any resource that does not honor these tenets.  For about five thousand years, our culture has been hostage to a form of organization by domination that fails to honor our living systems, where "he who holds the gold makes the rules."  By contrast, Radical Homemakers use life skills and relationships as a replacement for gold, on the premise that he or she who doesn't need the gold can change the rules.  The greater our domestic skills, be they to plant a garden, grow tomatoes on an apartment balcony, mend a shirt, repair an appliance, provide for our own entertainment, cook and preserve a local harvest or care for our children and loved ones, the less dependent we are on the gold."

What things do you consider optional?